recently life got better.....
had more and more friends .....
realised that even though Gabriel ,Darryl,Colin always tease me .......we are all starting to get closer as friends ,classmates .
i no longer feel uncomfortable around them ,more and more i feel that they are actually good friends .
maybe sometimes they get on my nerves but after all they are boys .
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Thursday, August 5, 2010
why am i a HERE?
sometimes it puzzles me....why do i have to be in this cruel and pathetic world..
struggling to cope with life .friends .family.studies.fear.pain.loneliness.
hate my parents .never quite loved them .stayed with my grandparents at a young age loved them to bits ....then why i realised life was going to get better it got worst .thrown back to parents house .HATED THEM HATED THEM HATED THEM .everyone there sucks except for my dog.still love you forever sparkie.
i was struggled with violence ,favouritism and of course HATE.
i am the middle child in the family...some call them the ''problematic kid''......i guess i pretty much was..
but it was the conditions that made me that kid i once was.
favouritism was always with me ,by my side ..my parents reminded me constantly.who i was where is my stand .both my parents doted on the eldest and youngest.
my elder bro ,only guy in the three of us .naturally my parents gave him whatever he wanted
to him nothing was a problem because they are always at on side .
my fucking sister ,the total bitch,really sucks to the core .if you are in my socks .anyone might have already killed her long ago.she is the youngest ,anyway they are also always at her side .cos she is the cutest to them .smallest.to me most idoitic .she use to summon them to hit me ..
and she enjoys seeing me cry in pain and betrayal by the both of them.
SO IN THE END, NATURALLY THE ONE LEFT UNLOVED AND NOT CARED ABOUT WAS ME.NO ONE STOOD BY ME.NO ONE AT ALL.....................
crying was took a big role in my life.i use to cry myself to sleep everyday at night .but soon the feelings became numb .the pain became a routine of my everyday life.the tears became dry .but i still had a heavy heart no matter how much i try to ignore it .the feeling creeps in and i exprienced it for the first time then .LONELINESS .it is the worst feeling one can ever get .the coldness in everthing you see.you will feel as if no one in the world loves you ,no one cares about you .
PAIN was the next ...not only physically but also mentally .physically, they whacked me like there was no tomorrow .they have never stopped after one stroke.to see whether i have already learnt my lesson .but they did it continuously untill they were panting . they always left me there crying till the tears were dry.at an average, i was beaten twice everyday.i never filled to be covered in scars and marks .
when questions rise i would always answer the same thing.''i fell down yeserday''or ''i knocked on to something''.too embarrassed to say the truth ,in fear of mockery .mentally ,my heart was scar too mant times till healing did not mater anymore .
betrayal played a big part .
i always thought parents would also find out who is wrong and give out the apporiate punishment .but to my parents it was always ''ME''.they have also never failed to give a harsh beating .
thry would also always insult and critise me nevertheless.in fronth of my siblings calling me useless ,stupid,fat.they would also always laugh at me never caring about how i really felt.
then it came HATE.it is still with me now .hiden somewhere in my broken heart .i hated all of the them to the core .to the max .
the most i could hate anything in my life.they have killed my soul completely .i might never be able to find myself back again.
i hated to go home because i was going to be subjected to those feelings .so i had to be two-faced.to alway them to accept me.they would never love me .untill now i am still struggling to find back myself ,to not be two-face .
to comfort myself about my misfortune i went straight for comfort food.sweets,choco and of couse my all time fav ICE CREAM.anything that could make me feel better.anything .
if it wasn't because of my grandpa i would have jumped long ago.
reality was worst then hell .then i became fat .the joke in everyone lips .i found no comfort in life only sorrow ,pain and hate. in school ,i was not spared to .but all is gone now . i feel like i have lost it.................................
THE ONLY GOOD THING THAT HAPPENED TO ME WAS I BECAME SO STRONG THAT I DO NOT CRY SO EASILY ANYMORE.BUT SOMETHING IS STILL MISSING ...............LOVE
struggling to cope with life .friends .family.studies.fear.pain.loneliness.
hate my parents .never quite loved them .stayed with my grandparents at a young age loved them to bits ....then why i realised life was going to get better it got worst .thrown back to parents house .HATED THEM HATED THEM HATED THEM .everyone there sucks except for my dog.still love you forever sparkie.
i was struggled with violence ,favouritism and of course HATE.
i am the middle child in the family...some call them the ''problematic kid''......i guess i pretty much was..
but it was the conditions that made me that kid i once was.
favouritism was always with me ,by my side ..my parents reminded me constantly.who i was where is my stand .both my parents doted on the eldest and youngest.
my elder bro ,only guy in the three of us .naturally my parents gave him whatever he wanted
to him nothing was a problem because they are always at on side .
my fucking sister ,the total bitch,really sucks to the core .if you are in my socks .anyone might have already killed her long ago.she is the youngest ,anyway they are also always at her side .cos she is the cutest to them .smallest.to me most idoitic .she use to summon them to hit me ..
and she enjoys seeing me cry in pain and betrayal by the both of them.
SO IN THE END, NATURALLY THE ONE LEFT UNLOVED AND NOT CARED ABOUT WAS ME.NO ONE STOOD BY ME.NO ONE AT ALL.....................
crying was took a big role in my life.i use to cry myself to sleep everyday at night .but soon the feelings became numb .the pain became a routine of my everyday life.the tears became dry .but i still had a heavy heart no matter how much i try to ignore it .the feeling creeps in and i exprienced it for the first time then .LONELINESS .it is the worst feeling one can ever get .the coldness in everthing you see.you will feel as if no one in the world loves you ,no one cares about you .
PAIN was the next ...not only physically but also mentally .physically, they whacked me like there was no tomorrow .they have never stopped after one stroke.to see whether i have already learnt my lesson .but they did it continuously untill they were panting . they always left me there crying till the tears were dry.at an average, i was beaten twice everyday.i never filled to be covered in scars and marks .
when questions rise i would always answer the same thing.''i fell down yeserday''or ''i knocked on to something''.too embarrassed to say the truth ,in fear of mockery .mentally ,my heart was scar too mant times till healing did not mater anymore .
betrayal played a big part .
i always thought parents would also find out who is wrong and give out the apporiate punishment .but to my parents it was always ''ME''.they have also never failed to give a harsh beating .
thry would also always insult and critise me nevertheless.in fronth of my siblings calling me useless ,stupid,fat.they would also always laugh at me never caring about how i really felt.
then it came HATE.it is still with me now .hiden somewhere in my broken heart .i hated all of the them to the core .to the max .
the most i could hate anything in my life.they have killed my soul completely .i might never be able to find myself back again.
i hated to go home because i was going to be subjected to those feelings .so i had to be two-faced.to alway them to accept me.they would never love me .untill now i am still struggling to find back myself ,to not be two-face .
to comfort myself about my misfortune i went straight for comfort food.sweets,choco and of couse my all time fav ICE CREAM.anything that could make me feel better.anything .
if it wasn't because of my grandpa i would have jumped long ago.
reality was worst then hell .then i became fat .the joke in everyone lips .i found no comfort in life only sorrow ,pain and hate. in school ,i was not spared to .but all is gone now . i feel like i have lost it.................................
THE ONLY GOOD THING THAT HAPPENED TO ME WAS I BECAME SO STRONG THAT I DO NOT CRY SO EASILY ANYMORE.BUT SOMETHING IS STILL MISSING ...............LOVE
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
sec4
haiz...hi people long time no hear.
just got back from camp last week.damn fun can !!!i had a great time with the sec 4 s eating,playing,studying.will miss all this times after we move on to higher education .wish u all the best for 'o'level.though the camp was very tiring all of us enjoyed it.it brought us closer .jasen went crazy again .he is always crazy .thank you for always caring for us .thank you for bringing us joy and laughter.giving us so much .sacrificing so much for us.
to my juniors hope you guys continue to work hard.towards your gold goal .please dun ever give up.if you do i will never forgive you.understand?!
just got back from camp last week.damn fun can !!!i had a great time with the sec 4 s eating,playing,studying.will miss all this times after we move on to higher education .wish u all the best for 'o'level.though the camp was very tiring all of us enjoyed it.it brought us closer .jasen went crazy again .he is always crazy .thank you for always caring for us .thank you for bringing us joy and laughter.giving us so much .sacrificing so much for us.
to my juniors hope you guys continue to work hard.towards your gold goal .please dun ever give up.if you do i will never forgive you.understand?!
school is starting soon and i am not done with homework .die.die.die.somemore it is like one mountain lor.but i have decided i am not going to care what other people think and say anymore.it's too difficult. if teachers don't want to help me .FINE.i will find my own help.and to those who have been helping me thank you very much .Mrs Loh.......my physics teacher.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
shandyyyyyyyhere:)
OMG SERIOUSLY STOP SPAMMING MY FRIEND'S BLOG.
YOURE LOW.
LOW LIKE SHIT OKAY!
DARE TO SAY DONT DARE TO FACE THE MUSIC!
GET A LIFE.
YOU SINK SO LOW, YOU CAN LIKE GO LICK THE FLOOR!
STOP BEING SOME DRAMA MAMA JUST TO
SPICE UP YOUR LIFE.
YOU MUST BE A SAD KID TO RESORT TO THIS UH?
I FEEL TERRIBLE FOR YOU AS TO SEE WHERE YOUR
BOREDOM HAS BROUGHT YOU TO.
SHAME ON YOU LOSER.
ARE YOU INSECURE AND HAVE A SAD LIFE?
WELL THEN, GO SEE A DOCTOR YOU MORON!
STOP SPAMMING YOU SHITTY KID WITH NO LIFE.
BEHIND YOUR SCREEN WITH A BUCKET OF KENTUCKY,
YOU ARE NOTHING ELSE.
LIVE WITH YOUR LIFE YOUNG MAN.
AND SHOVE YOUR CRAP UP WHERE IT BELONGS.
I DONT CARE HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT MY FRIEND OR HER FRIENDS.
YOURE JUST NOT WELCOME HERE SO SCRAM
WHILE YOU CAN BEFORE YOU GET CHASED
BY AN ANGRY MOB.
SERIOUSLY.
STOP YOUR NONSENSE.
YOU TOOK DESPOTISM TO A HIGHER LEVEL YOU KNOW?
ATTENTION SEEKING BRAT WITH NO PRIDE AND INTEGRITY.
AND ITS NOTHING TO BE PROUD OF; WHAT YOU HAVE DONE.
NO ONE'S GONNA GIVE YOU A TROPHY FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE.
INSTEAD, YOU'VE JUST THROWN YOUR REPUTATION DOWN THE DRAIN.
SO, WHERE DOES THAT LEAVE YOU NOW HUH?
IF YOU'RE READING THIS, YOU BETTER REFLECT,
YOU LITTLE GUTLESS PIECE OF DESPOTIC CRAP.
YOURE LOW.
LOW LIKE SHIT OKAY!
DARE TO SAY DONT DARE TO FACE THE MUSIC!
GET A LIFE.
YOU SINK SO LOW, YOU CAN LIKE GO LICK THE FLOOR!
STOP BEING SOME DRAMA MAMA JUST TO
SPICE UP YOUR LIFE.
YOU MUST BE A SAD KID TO RESORT TO THIS UH?
I FEEL TERRIBLE FOR YOU AS TO SEE WHERE YOUR
BOREDOM HAS BROUGHT YOU TO.
SHAME ON YOU LOSER.
ARE YOU INSECURE AND HAVE A SAD LIFE?
WELL THEN, GO SEE A DOCTOR YOU MORON!
STOP SPAMMING YOU SHITTY KID WITH NO LIFE.
BEHIND YOUR SCREEN WITH A BUCKET OF KENTUCKY,
YOU ARE NOTHING ELSE.
LIVE WITH YOUR LIFE YOUNG MAN.
AND SHOVE YOUR CRAP UP WHERE IT BELONGS.
I DONT CARE HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT MY FRIEND OR HER FRIENDS.
YOURE JUST NOT WELCOME HERE SO SCRAM
WHILE YOU CAN BEFORE YOU GET CHASED
BY AN ANGRY MOB.
SERIOUSLY.
STOP YOUR NONSENSE.
YOU TOOK DESPOTISM TO A HIGHER LEVEL YOU KNOW?
ATTENTION SEEKING BRAT WITH NO PRIDE AND INTEGRITY.
AND ITS NOTHING TO BE PROUD OF; WHAT YOU HAVE DONE.
NO ONE'S GONNA GIVE YOU A TROPHY FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE.
INSTEAD, YOU'VE JUST THROWN YOUR REPUTATION DOWN THE DRAIN.
SO, WHERE DOES THAT LEAVE YOU NOW HUH?
IF YOU'RE READING THIS, YOU BETTER REFLECT,
YOU LITTLE GUTLESS PIECE OF DESPOTIC CRAP.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
it still hurts so much more............
siting in the class foll of people i don't like.no one knows how it feels .the feeling that you are treated as an invisible .even if you try your best to fit it ,it backfires .people start thinking you are a nusiance ..it still hurts .
you are being humilated,critised and misunderstood countless times .all they do is laugh about it and it is over ......it still hurts.
but what they don't know is that they have left i deep and painful scar on someones heart.it will hurt for there entire life.but will anyone remember .......it still hurts.
they think that your heart is made up of diamond , unbreakable and undestructable.
but they are utterly wrong.your heart is just like thairs ,made up of flesh and blood and it hurts when being hurt .but my heart is just numb.it is unfeeling.but no matter what ,it still hurts .
you have to put up a brave front everytime.so that they do not think of you as a weaking ,a crybaby.but when you put on a brave front for long ,they just keep on doing it waiting for you to break down.
your heart has been scar many times over and over again.what is left is just self pity and sorrowness.it still hurts................................
you are being humilated,critised and misunderstood countless times .all they do is laugh about it and it is over ......it still hurts.
but what they don't know is that they have left i deep and painful scar on someones heart.it will hurt for there entire life.but will anyone remember .......it still hurts.
they think that your heart is made up of diamond , unbreakable and undestructable.
but they are utterly wrong.your heart is just like thairs ,made up of flesh and blood and it hurts when being hurt .but my heart is just numb.it is unfeeling.but no matter what ,it still hurts .
you have to put up a brave front everytime.so that they do not think of you as a weaking ,a crybaby.but when you put on a brave front for long ,they just keep on doing it waiting for you to break down.
your heart has been scar many times over and over again.what is left is just self pity and sorrowness.it still hurts................................
Saturday, January 23, 2010
longgggggggg week
i has been such a long week! sorry that i did not update for so long .
life has been ups and downs .it was never easy from the start but looks like it gotten worse .
have never studied more than this in my entire life .homework are looking like sky scarpers to me.
. i don't even want to think about self study . i think i might go to the mental hospital soon.
band have been boring and tiring .no longer have that drive anymore .but at least i have friends there that make me feel like going there.but it has been so long . i miss my old self.the one that always loved single thing i did .the attitude that was never sian.but looks like i may never find it back again.PLEASE COME BACK TO ME!!!!
everyday i just wish for the time i can lie on the bed to sleep .to rest myself.i realize there are many 2 faced people .i don't want to name who or from where.but they are getting on my nerves .so you guys noe who you are and better stay out of my way.
jasmine please DO NOT PULL MY SHIRT EVER AGAIN.
life has been ups and downs .it was never easy from the start but looks like it gotten worse .
have never studied more than this in my entire life .homework are looking like sky scarpers to me.
. i don't even want to think about self study . i think i might go to the mental hospital soon.
band have been boring and tiring .no longer have that drive anymore .but at least i have friends there that make me feel like going there.but it has been so long . i miss my old self.the one that always loved single thing i did .the attitude that was never sian.but looks like i may never find it back again.PLEASE COME BACK TO ME!!!!
everyday i just wish for the time i can lie on the bed to sleep .to rest myself.i realize there are many 2 faced people .i don't want to name who or from where.but they are getting on my nerves .so you guys noe who you are and better stay out of my way.
jasmine please DO NOT PULL MY SHIRT EVER AGAIN.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
tortures
it has been such a long time since i last updated .but unlike other are free from there tortures i have still 2 more to go :theory exam and band competition .the last 2 headaches never knew that it would be so tough and stress .all school exams are over but i am so afraid i can't be promoted to 4E but i am still not defeated for my maths "both failed like shit''.i will continue trying till i succeed .i hope i can endure till then .But i noe it would be a long and tiring road .
just went to dra's house the other day .it was so fun .but she was being a meanie and did not wan to swim .a pain in the ass.but we tried some songs on the piano and she was superb .had a great time .
just went to dra's house the other day .it was so fun .but she was being a meanie and did not wan to swim .a pain in the ass.but we tried some songs on the piano and she was superb .had a great time .
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