stress! urgh!can't take it

damm sian !been trying to improve my french horn playing .but it seems .no use. no help i really have no confidence in my playing .really been trying very hard even on the days where i did not bring home the horn, i been playing the F.O.G in the computer and writing notes on the score . really can't take it anymore . no matter what i do nothing seems to be improving .so depressed on monday Mr Jasen said he had to cut down band members because the strength of french horns are so weak .i really feel it is my fault not bonding my section together.after boon hwee left the section started fall apart. i don't understand why won't hui ming listen to me .sometimes i really think i failed as i senior .during sectionals last time whenever i tried to lead the section hui ming just would not listen .she would be playing herself not wanting to follow me .i know me myself is not good but at least play as section.then the others would be influence by her and start to play themselves. is is bad as Mr Jasen say we have to play as a section then as upper bass,bass,and finally a band .so whenever i think of hui ming coming back to band i would get mixed feelings on one hand i want her to come back to increase the french horn strength on the other i do not want her to come back as she may disrupt sectionals again. i really suggest that since it is the holidays there can be more band practices so we can buck up .futhermore ,SYF is nearing .i really long for more band practices .as if we really want to do well for the SYF we should work hard for it not slack slack .