recently life got better.....
had more and more friends .....
realised that even though Gabriel ,Darryl,Colin always tease me .......we are all starting to get closer as friends ,classmates .
i no longer feel uncomfortable around them ,more and more i feel that they are actually good friends .
maybe sometimes they get on my nerves but after all they are boys .
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Thursday, August 5, 2010
why am i a HERE?
sometimes it puzzles me....why do i have to be in this cruel and pathetic world..
struggling to cope with life .friends .family.studies.fear.pain.loneliness.
hate my parents .never quite loved them .stayed with my grandparents at a young age loved them to bits ....then why i realised life was going to get better it got worst .thrown back to parents house .HATED THEM HATED THEM HATED THEM .everyone there sucks except for my dog.still love you forever sparkie.
i was struggled with violence ,favouritism and of course HATE.
i am the middle child in the family...some call them the ''problematic kid''......i guess i pretty much was..
but it was the conditions that made me that kid i once was.
favouritism was always with me ,by my side ..my parents reminded me constantly.who i was where is my stand .both my parents doted on the eldest and youngest.
my elder bro ,only guy in the three of us .naturally my parents gave him whatever he wanted
to him nothing was a problem because they are always at on side .
my fucking sister ,the total bitch,really sucks to the core .if you are in my socks .anyone might have already killed her long ago.she is the youngest ,anyway they are also always at her side .cos she is the cutest to them .smallest.to me most idoitic .she use to summon them to hit me ..
and she enjoys seeing me cry in pain and betrayal by the both of them.
SO IN THE END, NATURALLY THE ONE LEFT UNLOVED AND NOT CARED ABOUT WAS ME.NO ONE STOOD BY ME.NO ONE AT ALL.....................
crying was took a big role in my life.i use to cry myself to sleep everyday at night .but soon the feelings became numb .the pain became a routine of my everyday life.the tears became dry .but i still had a heavy heart no matter how much i try to ignore it .the feeling creeps in and i exprienced it for the first time then .LONELINESS .it is the worst feeling one can ever get .the coldness in everthing you see.you will feel as if no one in the world loves you ,no one cares about you .
PAIN was the next ...not only physically but also mentally .physically, they whacked me like there was no tomorrow .they have never stopped after one stroke.to see whether i have already learnt my lesson .but they did it continuously untill they were panting . they always left me there crying till the tears were dry.at an average, i was beaten twice everyday.i never filled to be covered in scars and marks .
when questions rise i would always answer the same thing.''i fell down yeserday''or ''i knocked on to something''.too embarrassed to say the truth ,in fear of mockery .mentally ,my heart was scar too mant times till healing did not mater anymore .
betrayal played a big part .
i always thought parents would also find out who is wrong and give out the apporiate punishment .but to my parents it was always ''ME''.they have also never failed to give a harsh beating .
thry would also always insult and critise me nevertheless.in fronth of my siblings calling me useless ,stupid,fat.they would also always laugh at me never caring about how i really felt.
then it came HATE.it is still with me now .hiden somewhere in my broken heart .i hated all of the them to the core .to the max .
the most i could hate anything in my life.they have killed my soul completely .i might never be able to find myself back again.
i hated to go home because i was going to be subjected to those feelings .so i had to be two-faced.to alway them to accept me.they would never love me .untill now i am still struggling to find back myself ,to not be two-face .
to comfort myself about my misfortune i went straight for comfort food.sweets,choco and of couse my all time fav ICE CREAM.anything that could make me feel better.anything .
if it wasn't because of my grandpa i would have jumped long ago.
reality was worst then hell .then i became fat .the joke in everyone lips .i found no comfort in life only sorrow ,pain and hate. in school ,i was not spared to .but all is gone now . i feel like i have lost it.................................
THE ONLY GOOD THING THAT HAPPENED TO ME WAS I BECAME SO STRONG THAT I DO NOT CRY SO EASILY ANYMORE.BUT SOMETHING IS STILL MISSING ...............LOVE
struggling to cope with life .friends .family.studies.fear.pain.loneliness.
hate my parents .never quite loved them .stayed with my grandparents at a young age loved them to bits ....then why i realised life was going to get better it got worst .thrown back to parents house .HATED THEM HATED THEM HATED THEM .everyone there sucks except for my dog.still love you forever sparkie.
i was struggled with violence ,favouritism and of course HATE.
i am the middle child in the family...some call them the ''problematic kid''......i guess i pretty much was..
but it was the conditions that made me that kid i once was.
favouritism was always with me ,by my side ..my parents reminded me constantly.who i was where is my stand .both my parents doted on the eldest and youngest.
my elder bro ,only guy in the three of us .naturally my parents gave him whatever he wanted
to him nothing was a problem because they are always at on side .
my fucking sister ,the total bitch,really sucks to the core .if you are in my socks .anyone might have already killed her long ago.she is the youngest ,anyway they are also always at her side .cos she is the cutest to them .smallest.to me most idoitic .she use to summon them to hit me ..
and she enjoys seeing me cry in pain and betrayal by the both of them.
SO IN THE END, NATURALLY THE ONE LEFT UNLOVED AND NOT CARED ABOUT WAS ME.NO ONE STOOD BY ME.NO ONE AT ALL.....................
crying was took a big role in my life.i use to cry myself to sleep everyday at night .but soon the feelings became numb .the pain became a routine of my everyday life.the tears became dry .but i still had a heavy heart no matter how much i try to ignore it .the feeling creeps in and i exprienced it for the first time then .LONELINESS .it is the worst feeling one can ever get .the coldness in everthing you see.you will feel as if no one in the world loves you ,no one cares about you .
PAIN was the next ...not only physically but also mentally .physically, they whacked me like there was no tomorrow .they have never stopped after one stroke.to see whether i have already learnt my lesson .but they did it continuously untill they were panting . they always left me there crying till the tears were dry.at an average, i was beaten twice everyday.i never filled to be covered in scars and marks .
when questions rise i would always answer the same thing.''i fell down yeserday''or ''i knocked on to something''.too embarrassed to say the truth ,in fear of mockery .mentally ,my heart was scar too mant times till healing did not mater anymore .
betrayal played a big part .
i always thought parents would also find out who is wrong and give out the apporiate punishment .but to my parents it was always ''ME''.they have also never failed to give a harsh beating .
thry would also always insult and critise me nevertheless.in fronth of my siblings calling me useless ,stupid,fat.they would also always laugh at me never caring about how i really felt.
then it came HATE.it is still with me now .hiden somewhere in my broken heart .i hated all of the them to the core .to the max .
the most i could hate anything in my life.they have killed my soul completely .i might never be able to find myself back again.
i hated to go home because i was going to be subjected to those feelings .so i had to be two-faced.to alway them to accept me.they would never love me .untill now i am still struggling to find back myself ,to not be two-face .
to comfort myself about my misfortune i went straight for comfort food.sweets,choco and of couse my all time fav ICE CREAM.anything that could make me feel better.anything .
if it wasn't because of my grandpa i would have jumped long ago.
reality was worst then hell .then i became fat .the joke in everyone lips .i found no comfort in life only sorrow ,pain and hate. in school ,i was not spared to .but all is gone now . i feel like i have lost it.................................
THE ONLY GOOD THING THAT HAPPENED TO ME WAS I BECAME SO STRONG THAT I DO NOT CRY SO EASILY ANYMORE.BUT SOMETHING IS STILL MISSING ...............LOVE
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